The Silver Lining

Tonight Jackson beckoned me to join him as he watched the sun dip into the horizon. I LOVE that our five year old thoroughly appreciates the breathtaking beauty of sunsets over the majestic sea. Since our arrival in SEA, we all have marveled at the splendor of varying hues filling the sky at day's end. Crimson reds, tangerine oranges, golden yellows, and tanzanite blues fill our spacious skies each evening with an undeniable display of God's handiwork.

However, tonight was special, surreal, almost otherworldly. Tonight I witnessed my first silver sunset. I'm not quite certain how the sun cast off its brilliant golden halo and donned a robe of silver radiance. But it did. And I sat entranced, unable to relinquish my gaze from what may have been the most beautiful panorama of creation I've ever witnessed.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I sat in awe of a majestic sky. Mesmerized I thought to myself, “Tonight, this sunset is just for me.” Have you ever been there? You know, that place where a moment in time was created so that you may glean joy, or hope, or enlightenment. Well, I found myself there tonight.

I had seen the sun set hundreds, maybe even thousands of times, and yet tonight it was different. It was lovely, radiant, and wonderfully glorious. And as I gazed at the silver thread of light fading into the violet abyss tears rolled down my face. Not because I was moved by the beauty of the moment, but because I was moved by the reality of the moment. Seeing the sun as I had never seen it before spoke to a place deep within me that struggles with doubt regarding hope for the people of SEA.

My mind's eye filled with people I've befriended who question their eternity, their faith, their very existence. I saw faces filled with despair. And while I know God cares about these people, and I know He does not want them to perish, it is at times difficult to get this simple truth from my head to my heart. When one witnesses the darkness and the poverty that oppresses these people day in and day out, it is easy to wonder if they will ever know true joy, true hope.

Tonight that still, small voice spoke sweetly to my soul. How many times have I seen the sunset? And yet tonight, after ALL this time, it was different. It was uniquely radiant. Likewise, how many times have I seen the faces of despair? And yet, after ALL this time, they too can be different. Those faces can be uniquely radiant.

Not long before sunset, clouds prematurely darkened the day. Rain filled the air with what seemed like tears from a somber sky. Yet silver light transformed a dreary canvas into a transcendent masterpiece. What a marvelous illustration of how His light can transform dismal lives into portraits illuminated with merriment and promise.  

The Journey Inward Out

Pre Southeast Asia

I've been told by some that I am “hard to get-to-know”. In the past this has puzzled me, even plagued me. After all, I'm quite the extrovert. I'm quite comfortable speaking my mind, often too comfortable speaking my mind. I don't mind meeting new people. I enjoy exchanging ideas. And I am apt make any short, concise, and brief story rather long, wordy, and drawn-out:). I had decided that I am not hard to get-to-know at all. Instead these folks were challenged in getting-to-know me.

Isn't that how we often manipulate perceptions? If we fail to see things someone else's way, then they must be misinformed, confused, or just plain wrong. Hmmmmm....food for thought. Don't just leave it on the table. Nibble on it.

Southeast Asia

Fast forward to our sparsely decorated den peppered with a few reminders of “home”. It is a little past midnight, and I'm sitting across a dear friend of mine visiting from the fabulous Sparkle city. As I bear my soul with another female for the first time in eleven or so months it dawns on me...I'm hard to get-to-know. Why have I failed to share my heart with my friends here in our city? Why have I chosen to keep my loved ones at bay on skype? Why do I pretend that all is well until the weight of my burdens are no longer deniable?

Could it be that I am “inward”. Yes, I think perhaps I'm a “stuffer”. When life gets tough, I become exclusive. You know, independent, private, even aloof. Because if I don't discuss it, it doesn't exist. At least not for awhile. I can escape the negative emotions for days, weeks, maybe even months. Can anyone relate?

In addition, I realized that there is this conjecture that the person with whom I am sharing might not really care to know my concerns. You know, how one may ask how you are doing, but they don't “really” want you to provide them with details. Is that a trust issue? Dunno. I'm still delving.

So, with my new found revelation, I've decided to journey outward. Talk about a HUGE first step...journaling my discovery on our blog. Of course posting it will be the test. If you are reading this entry I've succeeded in moving forward in my precarious pilgrimage.

My second step is to be honest about our past nine months in Southeast Asia. I'm going to start out easy on this one. It has been hard. Whew, that wasn't as bad as I thought. I'll keep you posted. And next time, I'll include more details:).