It's a jungle out there! Jackson

He Still Calms the Seas

Culture stress ebbs and flows like the waves of the sea. It is always present like an undercurrent tugging beneath the surface. Most days you manage to stand firm against the unsteady motion tempting to pull you off course. Some days you make a conscious effort to be carried away for a brief reprieve from the constant strain that wears on your body and soul. And then there are those days when culture stress unexpectedly comes crashing into your delicate little world threatening to dismantle your well being.

It is at times such as these that your very existence is questioned, “Do I have what it takes?”, “What am I doing here?”, “Why me?” Now, I want to clarify something here. I am not a “Why me'er?” I am not an emotional female who cries every twenty four days when her hormones are off kilter or who gets her feelings hurt when her friends or family don't act according to her wishes. However, this would not have been so evident September 8^th, 2010. Without going into too much detail, let's just say the waves of culture stress, homesickness, and fatigue tumbled into my world with great immensity. I was carried off into the depths (of what I still cannot describe), and I could not find my way back to shore.

Prior to this point I understood sadness, loneliness, spiritual dryness, and confusion. However, they had always been intermingled with moments of joy, love, and spiritual insight. Suddenly I found myself in unchartered water. There was no presence of joy. When I smiled it was simply a facial expression. But the emotions that should be attached to that smile were lost at sea. When we purposed to have family time, I felt disconnected. I knew in my head that I loved my husband and son, but the deep security and warmth this knowledge had brought in years past was beyond reach. And where was God? I had faith He was there. He always had been. And I believed in my heart of hearts He always would be. But the words of my five year old son haunted me, “Mom, I know God is there, but I want to SEE Him. I want to FEEL Him.” How desperately I wanted to see and feel God.

It is my understanding that this is not unusual for those who do what we do. We were “trained” in matters such as these. However, nothing prepares you for the riptide that sends you into an emotional vortex. And nothing is more wonderful than the love that pulls you from the cloudy depths of despair. Lost in an ocean of suffering I wanted to see God, to feel God. And He chose to use my husband and a dear friend to display His never-ending, unconditional compassion and love for me.

I was surprised with a trip to Hong Kong for my Fortieth Birthday. I was told later that my husband had said he would have spent any amount of money to put a smile back on my face. Due to a friend's generosity, he didn't have to break the bank to receive that long awaited smile. You know the kind of smile that is actualized by true feelings of deep joy and genuine appreciation. However, it wasn't Hong Kong that renewed my broken spirit. The incredible show of love that was bestowed upon me by my husband and a dear friend refreshed my weary soul. And there were others involved in this too. Those who were oceans apart yet moved merriment into my heart like a swift change in the current. It was their willingness to sacrifice time, effort, money, and more so that I may realize that I was loved. Not just by them, but by the God I had desperately been desiring to see and feel. I sent a thank you to my special friend who helped treat me to a weekend in HK. In her response to me she said, “Don't be overwhelmed by me, because it is not me. Be overwhelmed by Jesus, and His love for you.” And I am. So very overwhelmed. And so very grateful that He is more powerful than the title waves that threatened to ravage my fragile perseverance.